It took 3 years, but I finally convinced my orthopedist to order me a custom back brace. I have a rare type of scoliosis, very flexible with a teenage onset and that continues to progress even as an adult. My specialist at Hopkins suggested bracing me 3 years ago to see if that had an affect on the progression, but my local docs always insisted on an off-the-shelf, one-size-fits-all corset brace. News flash: Men don’t have hips, but some women do and a brace that doesn’t flair at the hips isn’t going to fit such a woman. (You’d be surprised at how often [male] doctors tried to convince me that male and female bodies are actually the same.) Since these braces invariably slid off my hips and up my chest every day, I quit wearing them and my scoliosis kept progressing.
Anyway, my local, politically incorrect ortho wrote me a Rx last month for my very own custom, plastic back brace. Have you ever had one made? It involves wearing a skin tight, t-shirt material halter dress, which might be sexy if 1) it wasn’t totally see-through and 2) I had my pre-baby body of 5 years ago. So now that I’m feeling a smidgen awkward, two people come in and start wrapping me in strips of fiberglass, like I’m a giant 5th grade papier-mâché project. They were really nice about it though (mostly just glad I wasn’t a squirmy 5 year old or unconscious, the latter of which apparently happens from time to time since they wrap you really tightly).
Added benefit of the brace? “You won’t be able to eat those extra French-fries without loosening it up,” my doctor told me. He’s a winner, that one.
Now, I have a habit of naming things, and I think this brace needs a name. It also needs to be a masculine name because, as my friend Danielle put it, “He’ll be squeezing you tight and with you more than a stalker! He’s always got your back, and, just like a man, he is helping you feel good in the long run, but sometimes gets in the way and doesn’t look flattering with your sexy, slinky dress.”
Wonderful readers, I need your help choosing a name! So far all I can think of is Hugh (yum!) or The Situation (tell me you get the joke!). Please leave your suggestion for a name (or vote for one of those two) in the comments and I’ll choose a name in the next few days. I don’t really have any fancy prizes to offer, but if I choose your suggestion, I’ll link up to your blog if you’ve got one!